July 5, 2000
I hate myself sometimes. I put things off for forever until I can't sleep anymore because I'm thinking about it so much. It's past 4:00 AM right now and I can't sleep because I've been thinking too much about trans issues and this site. And it's not the first time this has happened. I have lots planned for this site, but for some reason I haven't been doing anything about it. I'm even keeping a separate todo list than the one I have on the web because I want to keep some of my ideas a surprise. I also feel so bad about all of the people I've blown off via email. But all that's reasonable for me to do right now is a journal update. Sorry...
Is it just about the clothes?
I've been thinking a lot about what would make me happiest lately. Though I'm not a transsexual, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a genetic girl, but I'm wondering what would make me happiest in this life, given my current situation being born as a genetic male. As I stand right now I wouldn't want to transition--Maybe what would make me happy is to be treated well no matter how I dressed or acted. I just read a speech by Linda Philipps in which she says, "When a cross-dresser is young he believes it is all in the clothes, if he is allowed to experience a change of gender he discovers clothes have nothing to do with it." I have mixed reactions about this. On the one hand, I severely react to it--After all, I am a crossdresser and by definition I enjoy everything about the clothes--The look, the feel, trying things on, the shopping, admiring and studying current fashions, etc. To deny the clothing aspect of it would be to deny a huge part of who I am.
So that's one side of it. But then I'm thinking, well, I've never actually experienced a change of gender. Why are clothes such a big issue for me? Another huge part of it is using them as tools to be feminine. Maybe I love shopping because I'm always seeking the outfit that will make me pass. But passing has never really been my goal. It's sometimes a fun thing to do, but I feel like when I'm passing I'm fooling people. That statement kind of negates all of the aspects on why people do try to pass, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing--sometimes passing is the only way you can be treated the way you want to be. I also wouldn't think I was fooling anyone if I was passing as a girl and believed I was one. But again, passing is personally not my motivation. I'm usually satisfied wearing a dress or skirt with no stuffing and no makeup, which is why my pics page contains neither.
But I do want to look good--Not handsome, maybe pretty, but maybe my own kind of beauty that others can appreciate. You know that moment when a strikingly beautiful girl walks into a room, and the room falls silent and everyone's head turns in awe? It's demonstrated perfectly with 1800 COLLECT's Eva Savelot current add campaign if you've seen it. I want that to happen to me, but not because of shock value of being crossdressed, but because of their awe of beauty and of my gender expression. Although it would be nice if I were strikingly beautiful, I would also appreciate if they saw my inner beauty via my gender expression. (Gender expression is a term Leslie Feinberg uses a lot, which I'll be using more and more since she's my new favorite author.) I just wish more people could appreciate this other kind of beauty. My ex girlfriend could see it. My friend Zini I think can also see it. Pretty much anyone who can appreciate the trans community has seen it. Pictures of crossdressers are shocking at first, but you have to stop comparing them to women and viewing them as ugly women. When I look at CD pictures, in many of them even though they don't pass as women, they're expressing a femininity and beauty that even women don't have--Femininity as a concept. Because they aren't female, they're showing that you don't have to be female to be feminine, and giving you a look at their inner beauty. And I think that's beautiful.
In one of Leslie Feinberg's speeches, she says, "Please feel free to refer to me as 'he' in this transgender setting, since in doing so you are honoring my gender expression." Leslie defines hirself as an FTM crossdresser, not a transsexual, and so this statement took a huge step in separating gender from sex in my head. I can be a she, I realized, without considering myself transsexual. This was epiphanaic to me because I realized even though I'm comfortable with my sex being male, I can have a gender that on the spectrum is closer to female. I haven't completely decided yet, but I might even ask my friends to start calling me she if they want to, to honor my gender expression. But I won't be offended if people call me he either.
Feinberg says a lot of other wonderful things that I want to comment on in her books Transgender Warriors and Trans Liberation, but I will wait and leave that for a separate page.
There's something I forgot to mention in my last (June) entry, which is that my girlfriend and I broke up at the end of the school year. While this has nothing to do with crossdressing, I figure it's significant enough to mention since I've mentioned her before on this site. She was the one to do the breaking-up, but I'm positive (and I asked to double check, but I knew) it had nothing to do with the crossdressing. She was a wealth of support this last year for me, not only with buying me clothes and giving me CD tips, but emotionally, and I feel like I took great strides thanks to her. One of the most confidence-boosting things I could say to myself when dressed was, "who cares what they think, I have a beautiful girlfriend who loves me just the way I am." I can't say that anymore, but I can still draw from the confidence I gained from being in that relationship. I gained a lot of other things from it as well, and though I'm sad we broke up, I'm thankful for the time that we had together. She is a living example that there are wonderful, accepting women that are out there waiting for us.
And just on my current situation--I'm at home, still kind of bumming around and doing a lot of trans research. Yesterday I bought a pair of women's black leather pants. Yeah, I know all the connotations men's leather pants have, but I'm wearing them as a crossdresser. My friend Zini and I met a girl a few years ago who wore leather pants that looked drop-dead gorgeous on her, and ever since I've always wanted a pair. And I tried them on for the first time in the men's department--I brought them over from the women's, which was a little awkward, but it wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. Anyway, that's it for now. I'll update more tomorrow.
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