September 3, 2000
Well, I'm back at school, which is relieving. I'm wearing a long, beautiful hippie-print blue dress I got in Germany, so it's nice to be myself again. Being at home was so repressive in terms of CDing...I only had a few opportunities to dress ambiguously, and never a dress or a skirt or anything. My friends and family all know about me, but the situations didn't allow for me to dress. I'm still too scared to dress in my home town. I want to be out to everyone but I'm not at the stage yet where I could handle running into old classmates who didn't know about me.
Today, it took me like an hour to get psyched up to leave my room wearing the dress, because it'd been so long since I dressed in public. I had forgotten how relaxed and chill everything is at oberlin. A few freshman and parents gave me questioning looks, as to be expected, but it was more than made up for by the nice comments I got from different girls as well as the relief it is to be myself.
I have to be honest, I'm not feeling the draw and inspiration I've had in months past to keep updating this site. For some reason it's turned into an item of guilt on my todo list instead of an outlet for self expression. I spent July and August doing almost nothing and never updated the site. I also worry that so much of this page is dated...I feel like I've come such a long way and evolved in understanding transgender issues, and that now a lot of the stuff I've said is a little different than how I feel now. Why is this just an MTF crossdressing page anyway? Why aren't I doing more for the FTM, transsexual, and other transgender communities? I know my area of "expertise" is in crossdressing, and I can't really give advice to FTMs and transsexuals being that I am neither. So should I stick with what I know? I feel like people think that I'm only interested in MTF crossdressing and don't care about other trans issues, or that there's not enough resources for other trans people on this site. Should I turn this into Julia's Teen Transgender Page? Next summer I won't be a teen anymore...What then? I guess one reason I'm writing all of this is to see if anyone has any input or ideas.
I have a lot of other projects now that seem to be taking more of my attention right now. I don't know what this means...I don't want to abandon the site but I also don't want to keep making promises about updates that I can't keep. Nothing about this has to do with losing passion for transgender issues--In fact I'm focusing on trans issues in some of my other projects, and have been reading a bunch of transgendered books--but I hate to be absent from the community that has formed around this site. I'm just tired I guess. Maybe I also need to find other ways to make this less of a burden and more fun for me again...I have gotten a haircut and am bleaching and dying my hair red soon, and I have a whole new wardrobe which I want to show off, so perhaps some new pics would be in order. I just need to get hold of a digicam.
My life is good right now--My roommate's pretty chill. He remembered I crossdressed from last year, so it doesn't seem to be shocking or any kind of problem so far. I'm in an open double this time instead of a divided double, so there's less privacy which may complicate things. But we'll see. I'm glad to be back at school with all of my friends.
I guess all of this is just me thinking out loud. Well, alright, here's some more ideas for the site to keep me motivated. I've learned flash and know java, and want to incorporate interactivity. I also want to do short web films exploring transgendered issues, such as some on ifilms and planet out. I want to take more pictures and show of my wardrobe. And I've reviewed several more stores and have come up with more fashions that I would like to post at some point.
I don't know when I'll next update, but I hope all you students will have a fabulous school year. Although I've been lurking a lot (I know, I'm an asshole), I usually check out the forums every day and love reading your posts. Take care...
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